35 and Thriving

I turned 35 on the 21st of December, and I had a look back on all the things that transpired in the last year.

They say that you grow older and wiser. I sure did, I am not sure to what extent of the word "wiser" I am positioned if there is a spectrum of it. I could not tell you where I am. However, I know that the last 365 days were a mix of difficulty and fun times. It is not always great. I must say there were a lot of learnings thrown at me at some stages. I am proud of the person that I become now, and I know some will raise their eyebrow. Hey, who else would be proud of me other than me. I have said to everyone that every day is always a fight for your inner demons and other issues. Some I am sure made it look easy by putting a smile as a facade, but we will not know until we get to talk to someone. Good thing I have my friends and siblings who are my soundboard. They are all ears most of the time. I truly appreciate you guys, and I am beyond grateful.

The next year would be adding -er and -ier to all positive adjectives I can think of happier, braver, kinder, and others.

Well, let me tackle some of the questions I encountered in the last year in this post and hopefully, I would be able to articulate them in a way that people do not find me complex but rather just showing another layer of myself.

Why are you still single?

Very good question, there are so many things as to why I am. It is all over my blog universe, and I am sure you guys know the gist as to why. My quick answer is I have not found him yet. I will not settle with someone who is not comfortable with who I am. It is important to me that they accept me for who I am. No ifs or buts. This life is already hard trying to cope with all the shitty things happening around us just let me be me. At least, that is half of the battle. Also, he is still being manufactured somewhere. I don't know where maybe somewhere in Germany or France or Ireland. Don't laugh. I am giving you away clues of my type. He will come and this year the manufacturer is not done yet with the finishing touches. Plus, I am also reading this book, " If Singleness is a gift, what's the return policy" and I will keep you posted maybe even do a book review.

Why are you traveling alone?

Ok, part of this too is because I am single. On the contrary, some of my travels this year were with my siblings, and I love those times. However, 70% of my travels and even adventures were alone. I have hiked Needle Peak with my brave girlfriends. Now, it took me a while to think of other things I have done with other people, but now I am changing it to maybe 80%. Broadway shows and movies I go alone. My recent travel to the US which was San Diego I do not have anyone. I was lucky to have spent an evening with one of my good friends in high school, that was a treat. But let me answer, why? I know for some this is a concern, safety issue and all. I just like it, recently my Myers Briggs Personality test showed that I am an ESTJ but I have a little bit of "I" or introversion in there in which maybe I like my alone time to recharge. Possibly. Plausible in some ways but I like my alone time, seriously. I get to explore and I like the adventure. I know it gets lonely eating alone in the restaurant but I made a conscious choice that I will be eating that delicious salmon alone. There are perks to it, you know.

Yellow in San Diego

How hard is it being transgender?

I do not think that hard is appropriate at this stage for me. I believe that I am on equal footing like everyone else. I just try to improve myself to the best of my ability and enhance everything that I have. If you ask me, living, in general, is hard, but most of us are experiencing hardship but the question is more on how you manage daily. Moreover, how you handle what is in front of you. If I say that today is a hard day, then yes some parts of it were hard. If I will relate it to me being a transgender woman, I just live how I am supposed to live. If I can be an inspiration to someone, then I think I am living a good life. I am aiming for more stuff in my life, and I am aware that being transgender adds more layers to the difficulty of achieving things such as employment, access to healthcare, etc. I am fortunate enough that I am surrounded by people who are my supports and my lifeline. I have a job that I enjoy. I get to do my hobbies and able to see good stuff this life has to offer. I will continue living, and I will set aside the word "hard" for now. It will always be there for sure. I just do not want it to become a barrier to how I see life in general. To be honest, life is beautiful.

Don't you get lonely?

For one, I do feel that way. In the last two or three years, I tend to be alone on my birthday not because I want to isolate myself but because I like it to be a quiet day. I would have the birthday cake the day prior or the day after or even a week after. I love to dress up on my birthday but on the day of my birthday, I just want to be alone. I was lonely this Saturday because I miss my parents. I wish they are still here, though. I admitted it being sad when I am going to a restaurant alone. I acknowledge the feelings most of the time, and it helps me to go back to my happy and dancy self. The minute I deny it and not able to identify the reasons for my loneliness, it gets worse. It is always good to talk to someone, although I do not do it all the time. I tend to resort to a lot of self-talk. To answer the question, yes, I do get lonely, but I know ways to combat it.

What are your fears?

This is one of the biggies for me this year. The question still haunts me, and I know at one point I would need to break it down into pieces. I am not going to be able to cover a lot here, but I have some. I am not afraid of going on a hike alone that is for sure. The major ones I have, one is I am afraid I might end up being alone or I might die early. I think they are legitimate fears but I am telling you now, they are not consuming me or else life would just be a constant chase of being alive after a shitty day. Where are they stemming from? My parents died very young 50 and 53, mom and dad, respectively. I try to live healthily, and that is all I can do so I can surpass the 50's. Being alone can be scary. I am already spending a lot of time being alone but I do put myself out there and again, that is all I can do for now. Fears are real, it can put a stop on your life. I do not let it rule me because look at me now, I am 35 and I am living as a transgender woman. There must be no fear there. There are some, I am telling you and it is a work in progress to battle those fears and trepidations.

Sunset I captured in Ocean Beach, San Diego

Let us be honest, some of the questions posed to me were all related to my singleness. It affects me but not big time because that is the situation I am in, why whine about it. I have other things on my list that maybe I should be ticking before prince charming arrives. I celebrated my pre-birthday with a mini trip to San Diego, and it was absolutely fun. I enjoyed the weather so much and there is a joy to traveling alone. This year was a lot of self-inventory and I know that some people in my life have gone and left. Some have taught me to be brave and live my life. Some have taught me that I deserve respect and that I do not need them. The next year would be adding -er and -ier to all positive adjectives I can think of such as happier, braver, kinder, and others.

After all, I am 35 and I am thriving.