Feeling weird being a stand out

I am no stranger to being a standout. I am not saying that to brag about my intelligence, beauty and brownness. Yes, I said all those three, shocking right? Now you know.

I can tell you many examples, but recognize that when I tell you these stories, I get self-conscious and tend to question myself about my worth in the end. At the same, I feel that whenever I experience them, I have this sense of pride and accomplishment. We are here on this earth for a reason. Being a stand-out does not mean loud, flamboyant, self-aggrandizing and boastful. I must say that I can be flamboyant at times, but that comes when you are always slaying in the hallway, street or wherever my feet are. Known for my style, I get the looks.

I worked in health care and have been in leadership positions, and I know at one point I get intimidated, and I know it has something to do with self-esteem and confidence. It took me a while to gain those. As a trans individual, I have my trepidations of being clocked all the time by my peers. Later on, I just tell myself, “People are going to look, make it worth their time.” I still get those jitters, though. I do. I just learned to silence the bitch in my head.

Stand out kings and queens out there!

In one case, I was at a table with all these girls and noticed that I was the sole coloured person there, did that faze me? A little bit. Of course, I am the queen at the table. I have to tap into that legitimate power I have. I was the one in power, so I had to demonstrate authority so, I could increase influence to my peers. It was tough initially, but I have gotten used to it.

In grad school, I stood out for my examples in our business class when I was giving fashion references. However, I must be giving healthcare examples. It was not a problem. The professors understood them and I am sure some of my classmates did, too. Saying, iPhone was like Gucci in the phone world while Samsung was Forever 21. Take note this was circa 2018. Samsung was still not a powerhouse.

Recently, I went to church. Well, yesterday, and it was one of the weirdest experiences I had. I have meant to go to a church near me, and there is one just at the end of my street. I was off yesterday, and I decided that it was time to visit one. I chose an outfit that I had worn in the past. I didn’t think that it would be something special. Parked my car and one guy greeted me at the door. I certainly did not expect a firm handshake coupled with a head-to-toe look at me. I ignored it. I was in the house of worship so why would I think any of it?

“When you are in a sea of dark colours, Blundstone and skirt. Wear pink pants, a flouncy top and your Maryjanes.”

Lo and behold, come inside. I was in the sea of whiteness, neutral to dark colours outfit, long-haired, arms covered, long skirt women. None of them had their arms exposed, hair was mostly in a bun. Here I was short-haired. Wearing a poofy, ruffled green long-sleeve top with my pink pants and Maryjanes. I was the only one wearing pants. I had to mutter to myself, “Stay” multiple times. I was getting uncomfortable. I could handle the look from the adults but the younger girls I wasn’t ready for it. I stayed until the end, nonetheless.

But why am I weirded out?

I think it is the more burning question. I do feel vulnerable at times and as much as I like the look, it makes me self-conscious. I know I have a plan for my next church visit. Want to hear it, “I won’t change my style.”Like I said, “When you are in a sea of dark colours, Blundstone and skirt. Wear pink pants, a flouncy top and your Maryjanes.”

I wasn’t ashamed years ago to give out fashion examples in grad school because that would mean I have kept my ideas to myself which is not good. I didn’t let the intimidation of being the only coloured person on the table. I needed their ideas, and they needed my expertise. It was a win-win.

The reason why I am weirded out is the feeling of vulnerability and rejection that comes when you stand out. However, I need to stop and give myself time to pause to realize there isn’t anything wrong with the way I look. Nor there is anything wrong with what comes out of my mouth. For all I know, someone might benefit from the idea I gave.

You know what hiding is not a very good defense mechanism and I should not hide. I want to continue to shine. I am here. I am part of this world. Truly, all magic comes at a price.