Be open

I sometimes don't know what to do with myself when someone shows up with amazingness. I get scared and want to run away. I am not sure why.

My dating life has been such a crazy experience. I have been open about the personal struggles I had in the past. Yes, I can be strong-willed, but that does not mean I am obnoxious. Yes, I can be set in my ways, but that does not mean I am not flexible. Well, maybe in some aspects I am not. I believe I am enough, and I think that is all that matters. The other aspects on how to manifest are a big question mark for me. I am not saying I am lost, but what I am saying is, I am figuring it out. There are some ticky boxes that I have created already, and making sure they are taken care of. My trepidations are real.

Blue hair yay!

I dreadfully worry that my past will haunt me again, and I will revert to the old habit. You know the single behaviour, as we call it, wherein your headspace was just thinking all about yourself. However, in reality, you have a special someone already. What I did in the past was terrible, and I have learned my lessons; believe me. Right now, what I am trying to process is how do I keep myself accountable the next time, but also have the awareness that "bitch it was in the past, move on." Those two things are not that hard. It sure is a constant reminder for me.

We constantly say we have to move on. But what happens when you have these lingering thoughts in your head and also have flashbacks. There is another one, living the what if. Oh, I am scraping it all today. My flashbacks were sometimes sad, and it urges me to want to smack my head, and I mostly laugh about those things now. Before, the waterworks were intense. The anxious thoughts sometimes were like should I try it and dive completely. Or should I keep to myself and remain single. Then, later on, I will ponder again. Someone told me that I should desperately want it and not need it. They are two different things and get it. I also don't want someone I only need but also someone I want. I cannot live the what if because they are going to screw your head. Learning to let go of those is my homework.

Baggage is ok, but as my wise friend told me, "You are not a baggage counter."

A friend told me that you just needed to enjoy it for now. If someone comes along and you think that it might be something to look into, go slow. There are different types of guys out there, ones that are willing to be open with you; some are just plain jackasses and want to hook up; some are just looking to vent. I had experienced all of them, but the problem I am seeing with myself is men who are open and willing to go all the way. I get anxious. I get nervous. I have run away for sure, but I do not think that the timing was right, as well. Part of it would be things are just not matching 100% for me. I am not looking for perfection, but the puzzle needs to be complete; however, I have never completed a puzzle yet.

Just to share a personal experience, I do not want to be someone else's therapist. I have encountered guys who have issues and need someone to talk to. Of course, being me, I wanted to be able to lend an ear but at the same time had that thought at the back of my head, "shit those kinds of species, AGAIN." Certainly nothing wrong with listening and being attentive to what they are saying. Consequently, you know that the conversation will revolve around them, and it becomes one-sided. Who wants that? I do not. Baggage is ok, but as my wise friend told me, "You are not a baggage counter."

Glam it girl

How do I become open? I am not sure what the answer is. I have to somehow rewire my brain about so many things so ingrained in me. I know that someone is already packaged for me and just waiting to be at my doorstep. They are currently in process, and God knows where he is coming from. I know that I am ready to receive whoever is going to be in the package. Also, it is crucial to distinguish that being prepared in my head is different from being ready in person. Two various assignments, just an FYI. Although, I agree; I have some work to do before I receive the package.

Be open so you can uncover it soon!