Change is coming

Change is hard. There is no other person who can tell you that it is a challenge other than myself. Let me tell you why.

You are probably tired of listening to my story, but, hey let me tell you. I have a point, and I will make it very clear in the end. I promise. So, my story has been a whirlwind of events starting with my exciting move to the interior (now I am asking myself whether it was exciting or not), to starting a new job and quitting it. It does not end there. I decided to flee that place of disorganization and chaos. I went back to the valley with Mahal (my car) full of stuff (what I meant by stuff, I mean outfits). I had an exciting summer on Vancouver Island, and then the car accident happened. Only the first paragraph and, I am already having a headache telling you my story.

"Another fall, another turned page..." - Wallace Stegner

I was coasting through all those things. If you want to ask me, do I have any solid plan after the travel nursing ends? Yes, I did. It was not a solid plan, but I have a draft in my head of what I needed to do, such as packing my personal belongings in my Cranbrook apartment. Next is possibly do another travel assignment on the island in which I was thinking Campbell River or Duncan. Yeah, there is no way I would be going back to management yet; at least that is what is in my head. Hence, the adventure and gallivanting spirit were overtaking me. It was a fabulous time with Gigie exploring waterfalls, beaches, and markets. Then that car accident pounded not only my car but my spirits. Was I coasting through after that nope, I was trying my best to do things. I was full of anxiety, doubts and fear.

Driving alone was already a concern. I am learning to be more vigilant but not aggressive when I am on the road. Understanding that no matter how careful you are, you can still be in an accident and up to this day, I still ask myself, why me? I came on a night shift and all I could think of was to go to sleep because I was going on a camping trip with Natalia. Livid was my word but, I was so sore that day. All these changes I had were insanity in my books. How could I survive this? I was grateful for friends who were there to help me and cheer me up. I was depressed at one point and suicidal, too. The intensity of my gender dysphoria was also on the rise during this time. Most probably because I am not so mobile and I was dealing with pain, I did not like my body. I hated everything about me. Take note when you are not busy, you tend to look at the little things in yourself and that is not a good thing either, especially when you are delving so deep into those things.

"Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go."

My doubts came out by the questions in my head, such, as will I be able to get back to work soon? Or the thoughts of should I hide from my potential and go back to the floor. I am needed anywhere is where I settled in my head. A lot of reframing came into my brain, and I am in a better space now. I know the steps I needed to take by carefully looking into opportunities and seeking help from others. I was afraid that if I did not pursue my goals, I would get stuck. On the other hand, I knew that I needed to slow down this time. There were a lot of reminders given to me by wise friends, and I am so blessed to have them.

Settling in is good, but damn, moving is laborious. I love the space that I have and the freedom that it gives me. Thankful for friends who helped me with the heavy lifting. Boy, oh boy. My next task is to throw more stuff because, as I said, part of the change is also understanding that I do not need so much stuff in my life. Part of letting go, stuff, heartaches, pain, etc. On the funny side, I am thankful for not having a couch. I am not sure how I am going to haul that shit. The simpler, the better. However, I needed to find my makeup brushes. Yes, they are a supreme need. I have more things to do in my list and doing the move two times in six months is grueling and onerous. I had all these changes and task nevertheless I made a progress.

I am ready for the next chapter...again.