Crawl into the light

Ok, it looks like my blog has been like a once-a-month thing in the last month. I am coming back, so here I am.

It was a rough six weeks, like wow. I cannot believe that it has been six weeks of being off from work. For part of that six weeks, I went to a very dark place. I noticed and acknowledged it, but I know more so my friends. Let me say that it was not comfortable being in that dark pit. I spent nights lost. It was not one of those places where you can imagine sipping your margarita and enjoying that warm sunshine on your face. It is a place where you can drown all your sorrows and issues. It was never fun there, and I felt helpless. I saw myself just going through the motions. The movement was dull. No excitement. I wished I would land somewhere safer, somewhere high above where there is more light.

I felt that I was not able to get out of it. I avoided looking at my face because that was not the face of fabulousness, but it was more disappointment, anger, frustration, and self-pity. Yup, I was doing a pity party. Well, hello, what do you do in that dark pit other than celebrating those frown lines and pout. It was already pitch dark where I was; I thought my dysphoria should be on the list, and the more compounding issues, the more excitement. See, I did not trust myself in those moments, and I was content to be there. On the bright side, thank God I do not have any addiction tendencies, or it will be awful. I was managing in a way, but there was not any spark in my eyes. The fierceness was gone, and I was looking a little drab. I was not me.

Shadow Fierceness

So, here I am, gently crawling into the light. There is still shitty stuff I have to iron out. I am blaming all these nagging bitches in my head who tells me that I am not enough. I am not able to get back up. I will remain in the idea of Cranbrook nightmare (Yes, I am not ashamed to say that. It isn't the city I am upset with but I cannot think of any alternative phrase for it). Comparing myself to others was also not helping. Seeing my other colleagues grow into more advanced positions. Come to think of it, this bitch has a short last-name syndrome and I have too many attachments at the end of my name, yet; I am not content. Too many things happening all at once is not a fun and exciting phase of my life. Plus, I have been telling myself, this is not the vision I have for myself. All these, dark stuff I gathered from down there was surfacing and I had to get rid of them one by one.

Ok, I am slowly getting rid of them and I am in this chapter where I need to slowly go back to what is important for me. What is that? Myself. It is always easy to forget that we need to slow down. I heard of it so many times, and what do I do? Boom, boom, boom. The universe was being a dick but also letting me know that I need to slow down (Noonan, 2021). I had my Campbell River travel nursing plans, more adventures on the island and all these Vogue photoshoots in my mind. It was a time to slow down and I have forgotten about myself with all these head-swirling plans I had. I will never understand why the car accident happened because God knows I just wanted to go to bed after that night shift. I will always have the question but as my friends told me, it will make sense in the end.

The universe was being a dick but also letting me know that I need to slow down (Noonan, 2021).

My friends and family have been my light. These bitches were giving it to me straight and I appreciate their presence in my life. I am also thankful to the gentle ones who listened and sat there while I was telling them my struggle. The heaviness in my heart was a lot to carry. I had to unburden them; I have journaled and cried. I had to do some self-care. The headaches were bugging me for a while which I think can be attributed to a mild case of concussion but I pushed through. I have taken notes of what my friends told me, but one thing struck my heart. I know sometimes my friends were having difficulty finding the right words but this one, I cried buckets. It helped me pull forward.

"You are a unique, beautiful creature with your destiny...it will not be decided by anyone else but YOU. If you listen carefully, you can hear your ancestors cheer...and it sounds like a ROAR. It can power you through the darkest of times. Your ancestors survived- and so will you."

The not so glam self wasn't attractive and I told myself, it is time bitch, "dress up"

I did not have to think of my great, great grandfathers when those words were uttered to me. I thought of Mama and Papa. I remembered their struggles when we were growing up, it was not easy but I remembered the happy moments. The celebrations of achievements, of surviving chemotherapy, and holidays. I wondered what they were thinking when they saw me in that dark place, I know that they were telling me to keep pushing and I am not one to disappoint them. My sister reminded me that this setback should not pull me down because I overcame so many hurdles already. This should just be a reminder that things are not permanent. They are temporary.

It is not over yet. There is more to come, but I will be here finding all the fierceness I can gather to get back on the horse.