Dear Mama,

I was not able to say a lot of things during her funeral service but here I am pouring it all out 15 years later.

I don’t know where to begin to be honest. Mama has been an inspiration to all of us, especially to me. She was one of the bravest and toughest ladies I know. When I say brave and tough, she is. A mother would subject herself to going into a war-torn country just to provide for her family. I know some people would say there were other options out there, but at that critical moment Mama grabbed an opportunity and didn’t think twice.

It was a frightening time for all of us, and I know she was terrified as well but she didn’t show us that. She demonstrated the importance of not wasting an opportunity. I did the same when I came to Canada in 2009. I got it from her.

We grew up with our grandparents, and as painful as it was not having your parents growing up I believe all of us turned out ok. Although Mama mostly in the background for so many years as she was not performing all the hands-on work remained a strong foundation for us. I savoured every time she was home with us to visit after her stint in Dubai. She visited every two years. She had always shared her childhood memories and how she met Papa. Her personal experiences abroad, like how good the food was, and how beautiful the places she visited were.

She was a great cook, and I was always ready for every meal. I longed for her on days she was not with us, but I know that the sacrifices were made for a reason. She inculcated in our head that education is my armour to get through life, and she is right. I owe it to her and Papa. Mama was always there despite the distance. By the time she decided not to go back to Dubai, she was Mama. It was definitely one of those moments that I will remember where she would prepare your breakfast before school. Get you ready, and all the other things we missed when were in growing up.

We miss you Mama. We love you!

Her wisdom I carry through up till now. We sure have a good relationship, but my sass and feistiness have always been an issue. I think she loves me for those. I know she will never have to worry about me in the big world. Imagine almost giving birth to a child in the toilet, and about 8-9 cm dilated already before getting into the clinic that child was me. I was ready for the world, honey. She showered us with love. Learned a lot from her.

When she got sick in mid-2007. I was stunned at how much weight she lost. We looked after her and made sure that we got the best care. There were struggles for sure, and they were unpleasant. We didn’t have the money to sustain all the medications, especially her chemotherapy. I was with her at her appointments and could not forget her smile when we finished a procedure that morning and her lips said,"Thank you."

Mama, I just wanted you to know that we did try. We did try not to let you go because we wanted you to stay with us.

We were up early at 1 am just to get into the queue in the hospital. She persevered. Perseverance through hardship and suffering is a powerful lesson for me. I believe it is her legacy. She proved it to us so many times, not only when she was sick. Moreover, in times when we were struggling with other things. One day, she told us she wanted to go home to Bicol, and we decided it was time. I regret not being there on her last days. I still recall about it these days.

Mama, I just wanted you to know that we did try. We did try not to let you go because we wanted you to stay with us. It was heart-rending when I heard the news from Biba. It was even more heartbreaking telling the news to Love and hearing her wail and scream before she even got to the door. We were even sad trying to find the words how to describe that you are not coming to a three-year-old Jellie.

My brothers and sister have dealt with the grief of losing you in our own little way. I hope that Biba, Love and Kuya are all at peace with your passing. I hope so, we never really had a debriefing.

I was with her at her appointments and could not forget her smile when we finished a procedure that morning and her lips said,"Thank you."

Mama, thank you for being a great example to me and my siblings. You were my cheerleader and biggest supporter. I know you have always asked me whether I am a boy or a girl, I have not told you the answer, but I am sure you are watching. I am a girl, Mama. A fabulous one.

Her zest in life, your sense of style, bravery, thoughtfulness and kindness will continue. It is in our hearts. She meant the world to me, and I miss her every day. I wish you were still with us, so you could see us do what you had imparted us.