Death has hit me again

How often do you go to a funeral? I hope not all the time and hopefully on a very rare occasion only. It is one of the saddest events that I ever go in. I know it also means celebrating someone’s life, but I have a different view about a funeral and death per se. It has changed in the last 14 years. Death is inevitable, and I am hyper aware of that. This recent death we had was so sudden, and I was devastated. Here, you think of steps on how tragic events like death can be avoided. Is it possible to cheat death like what we saw in the Final Destination movies? All the what if and wishes. I had mine. I wished that I had come to work on the days she was here and picked up a shift where she tagged it as her “last shift.” Sincerely wishing to see her and get that big warm hug. I attended the funeral service the other day for our dear Kelly and managed to let my manager know that I was going. It was a very nice service. Seeing all those people who loved Kelly was heartwarming. All the love in that chapel. However, after the service. I was back to normal, and I didn’t really have the time to properly process that one hour service. I just went auto pilot. I had my lunch and went back to seeing patients in ER. When I came home, all the caged emotions rushed in. It hit me hard. I realized how hard it was. I am sure that it was difficult for Kelly's family and the impact with them was more than what I could fathom. Either way, I am with them with the hurt and profound sadness they were feeling.

Gone too soon Kelly

I fondly recall Kelly when we used to work in acute care, and she was one of the most helpful care aides I have worked with. Her generosity and thoughtfullness were immense, and I remember her bringing me hot chocolate on a night shift. She talked about her kids and her dogs. On her travels, she will take photos of the fancy shoes I love and taunt me that she forgot to buy me one. We went for a walk one time in the dog park in Abbotsford, together with one of my good friends Queenie with her dog Zion and Kelly’s dog. Oh how she loved her fur babies. Despite not seeing each other for so long, she will say hi on facebook. When I ultimately saw her again last year in the hospital, I was in tears. She gave me the biggest hug with a kiss, and said, “Mahal Kita. ” Since then, she has never forgotten to drop by in the office whenever she is visiting Abbotsford. What a gal! Gone too, soon Clarkson.

The conversation is always uncomfortable, and I learned that as painful as it is, that person’s journey is something we should celebrate. Something to honour.

Realizing that death is something that causes fear in many people including myself. I try avoiding the conversation of death at all cost. I lost my mom in 2009 and my dad in 2013.I am still grieving. I have said it many times that those two deaths have given me the ability to view death as something that will make you hard on the inside. Almost to the point of not caring. I have tried for years to replace that notion. I work in healthcare and have seen many deaths. The conversation is always uncomfortable, and I learned that as painful as it is, that person’s journey is something we should celebrate. Something to honour. Every day of my life, I try to honor my parents. I know they will be so happy knowing that I am trying to be the best person that I can be. I have shed so many tears and I miss my parents so much. You learn to live with the pain. It gets better. Death has influenced me to be more compassionate with my words. Grasping the true meaning of death and embracing it, has opened my eyes on what is truly meaningful and significant to my life. I still have so much learn but I know this one has taught time and time again life is short and from Kelly's words, "Life is for living". We all know she would want to continue living her light and legacy. I sure will do that and shine some Kelly kindness and "Mahal kita" moments with the people I love and care about.

I will miss you, Kelly, and Mahal Kita, Beautiful.