He is this, he is that...BUT

When you have found someone you thought you might be with and then the weirdest shit happens. All these "BUTS" start surfacing.

Let me give you a back story. Once upon a time... not Cinderella here but I could tell you I felt like I was one in that crisp August evening in Toronto. It started on a chat where I was my usual sassy self but with a hint of flirtatiousness. It was certainly a good conversation. I confirmed many times if he was comfortable with me being a trans woman and without batting an eyelash he said he was cool with it. At times, the word cool can have a variety of meanings. It could mean, "I am cool with it because I am curious." or "I am cool with it because I like you." I was not sure how to take it but I continued to chat with this blondie because I am cool with it, as well.

The chat continued to escalate with the possibility of meeting. Take note; I did not have any expectation, whatsoever with the guy because of too many failed dates that I had so I thought if the invite was legitimate; then, I would go. We were bantering about where to go and we finally decided on a ramen place. I was feeling very Asian myself, so why not. I was nervous; nonetheless, excited for I am a tourist. I figured to dress nicely for the occasion. I did not want to look like a slob but also did not want to look like a slut. I did not have any "buts" yet. I was going with the flow.

I can only guess and be curious. It was not for me...

Then the meeting and honestly, he looked very cute with his polo shirt and jeans. Damn, those blonde locks were surely a turn-on. We started conversing and talked about jobs. We discussed a few things about our lives. I keep glancing at those blue eyes and how his smile was so endearing. I know he kept talking a lot; you know nervous but I was enjoying the view and how smart he was. He is a biomedical engineer. Fancy, eh! So we enjoyed having the delicious ramen and interestingly, we talked about the place where he wanted to bring me and he got confused with the location. The location I picked was the one he wanted to suggest. What a coincidence, he said. I smile with astonishment and felt the giggles inside. It is starting well. Yes, he paid the bill. He insisted.

We went for a walk, and we did at least 20 blocks already. I was somehow giving him a hint that I want to sit and get some tea. However, I was hoping he would say, "Let us stop and let us go to my place." To my surprise, he wanted to bring me to his place. He just wanted to tire me first, at the same time, he did not want to be abrupt saying, "Let us go to my place." Ticking my checklist pretty much. Stopped at Tim's first then we went to his place. He lives in one of the high rises, 32nd floor, from what I remember. It had an awesome view of the entire city. We decided on watching a movie. We opted to see one of the classic Leonardo de Carpio's movies "The Beach." I have seen the movie a long time ago. What was fascinating with the experience was the first 30 minutes of the movie I was sitting at the end of the futon bed, and he was on the other end. He paused it and asked, "Would you want to move closer, it feels like we are mad at each other." I moved closer and started making out when suddenly the futon bed collapsed. We laughed and he said, "We are not doing anything yet and we have wrecked this already." Then, we made the switch to his bedroom. It was a better bed situation and no, we did not wreck anything.

Until then, I will continue my quest

The fast track, the story, the next morning, there was a coffee ready for me. What more could you ask for, it was the perfect night and I remembered that moment when we were watching the movie, "The Fundamentals of Caring" I saw our reflection on the mirror stand and I started tearing up because it was not just a special night but it was an emotional night for me. I thought the reflection was picture perfect I wish I had taken a picture of it. Why am I emotional? To be respected and appreciated by someone was more than what I could ask for in a date. He had to do something that morning, and we parted ways and this is where Cinderella had to leave the castle. Gave me a hug and a kiss at the door. I was at the elevator, and I was praying. Know what my prayer was that when I get out of the building and start walking away, he would be at the balcony and waving at me. You know what; he was. That just made it all more romantic.

We continued talking for a week or two and then suddenly he stopped talking. I know at the time he was having some work issues that can be frustrating. I admired his work ethic and persistence. More than any of those, I truly appreciate how he was to me. He is all these great things and that date was amazing. I still giggle when I think about it. I am just not sure how to conclude this because I am not sure what the BUTS are. I can only assume what they are, and I do not want to create stories in my head. One of my good friends, told me, "at least you had fun." I still feel hurt about it because I do not know what it was. I have asked him, but I did not get any response. I wish that he would say something and that he would be adult enough to talk.

The weird thing was I had all these "buts" in my head until then I would learn the art of letting go. I can only guess and be curious. It was not for me...