"Hormotional" Navigation

As a trans woman, it is hard to tackle these mood swings that I am having or what I call being hormotional. Right now it is 4:04 in the morning, and I am writing because I could not sleep.

The last time my estrogen dosage was changed was December 2019 and it has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. In which, I will also take into account the fact that I might be suffering from depression. People might be asking, depressed? You have been globe-trotting? Yes, it might not be visible, but I do know how I feel inside. I am tearier in the last three months in which is very unusual for me. I am more anxious than I had ever been. I feel sadder. I procrastinate at times, but I make sure that I do stuff such as hiking, going for walks or else I would be more miserable. I know it is the hormones that I have a battle with.

The impact of hormones on my body and I love the changes I am seeing, I may not do a full-on swimsuit yet but I can certainly rock some dresses. I love how my body is transforming, but what I don't love is how it is affecting my emotions and my mental state. It is a struggle. The physical changes are truly noticeable, but the secondary impact is in my emotional state that at times I believe is wreaking havoc with my daily existence. I am trying to connect with people that I trust and douse myself with more positive self-help podcasts and articles. They are helping, on the other hand, there are moments that I am having a hard time. It is a big undertaking for someone like me to be having this experience. I am here to share it.

On my recent Last Vegas trip, I am smiling here!

The months of February and March are also triggering my mental stability. When the end of January comes rolling in, I can feel that blanket of intense sadness overruling me. My Mama's birthday in February and my Papa's death anniversary in March which was 2 days ago only. The two people that I miss the most. Grieving is an experience. It is not an event. I do allow myself to experience the sadness but there is just too much going on that I need to really divide and conquer sometimes. I am having all these gloomy thoughts with the death of my parents, but I am also having emotional hardships and experiences. The fact that my emotions are going haywire on me. One good example that I shared with a friend was, going out to the mall. I was all dressed and ready, makeup and hair done but I felt that cloud of sorrow covered my whole body and I did not want to go anymore. I sat down, anxious and tried to collect myself which ended up being blank and lost. I slept for looking fancy and fabulous.

A lot of things are adding to my distress, too. I am going to be attributing work here. I am good with what I do but when things are getting stressful and you have a lot on your plate. It is not very helpful. I am swamped and overwhelmed. I talk until I am blue in the face and it is absolutely frustrating. I feel helpless. Then it is aggravated more by my negative self-talk and my overachiever self. I wanted to slow down and give myself space with all the things not happening and working out for me. I will continue to give 100% because that is the kind of worker that I am.

I try to be cautious. I may lose control. I will do my full-on cry in someone else's office or hysteria blasting cry on someone else's phone. Thank you to the people who have been my soundboard.

Plus, I am sure you guys are sick of listening to how my dating life is. I would talk more on a separate blog post about negative self talk on this one and I find that talking it out to others helps. I am still out there and I am recognizing the fact that dating is never going to be easy. I should do this as well with the other aspects of my life and I must admit I feel lonely. I am borrowing a Carrie Bradshaw quote here, "I am lonely. I am. The loneliness is palpable." All these are all compounded events, complex for sure and I am not coping at times. I have said to some of my girlfriends; I am good with my highs but when I dip on my lows, I am unable to get back up. Someone noticed me parking my emotions into some old creaky cars, and I should avoid them. I should be parking myself in hot some Ferrari and it will create a difference. I still need to try that. I am looking at myself now, and I do not know who that teary girl is.

Part of the fact, too, is I am doing this transition at 30's wherein I did not experience this on my teens. So I am getting a little shock value with all the changes that I am going through and it is hard. However, I am going to look at it on the positive wherein I am tackling this with more maturity. I have more awareness of what is happening with my body and my head (Do I?). I try to be cautious. I may lose control. I will do my full-on cry in someone else's office or hysteria blasting cry on someone else's phone. Thank you to the people who have been my soundboard.

Quarry Rock Hike in North Vancouver

I have been forgetting as well, all the learnings I had from my leadership courses about the circle of influence. As much as this world is becoming crazy and hurting with this COVID-19 we are experiencing, I have to go back to my zen. We can control our thoughts, emotions, actions and the words that come out of our mouth. We are more powerful than we think we are. Vulnerability is something that I deny myself, and I become a ball of shit. Once that ball of shit gets all tangly and tighter, it needs some breathing air. The moment that happens, that is when I crack and I do lose part of myself.

I am going to try to pick myself up because three months of this is not fun at all. I will continue to capitalize on my highs and hold on to them. As for the lows, I need to find ways to combat them.