I am stuck in a rut

Sometimes, I do not have any answers to the questions I ask myself. Sometimes, I am in limbo; if not, I am on autopilot. I could very well be in a rut.

We all know that we have the pandemic. Everyone is stressed out in their personal and professional lives. People are aware that I am also transitioning and that is another hurdle for me. Dealing with the name change and the dysphoria are messing my head. Being isolated is not helping either and not seeing friends. I miss my family.

I have this feeling of not being excited at all with things. Also, I am not very motivated. I am just in a rut. Period. However, I admit that those things are truly affecting me in some parts of my life right now, but I will not exclusively relate those events to what I am currently feeling right now. It is a mix of everything like a bowl of salad that does not look appetizing.

I have the tell-tale signs of being stuck in a rut. Maybe others are feeling the same. I have all of my supports do not get me wrong but people need to recognize that we all have the internal struggles that we just need to deal with on our own. I know that we do not need to do things alone but this one, I am figuring out so, I will not feel stagnant.

Being in nature can lower stress and decrease depression. Thus, increasing mental wellness.

You know the feeling when every day feels the same. The things happening at work is affecting me. It appears to be it is always Monday and that is no fun. I am so sick of the statement, "it will get better." I have a friend who is dealing with some financial issues and I could not utter the words to him, "It will get better." For one, I cannot even tell it to myself. At the same time, it would not come out as genuine from someone who is showing disinterest in so many things.

I said it earlier, I am on autopilot. I just do my usual stuff for the day which is work and after I have my blog and podcast that I do for myself. I like sharing those things. I have those as my outlet. I feel inspired by doing those. At least, I am not stuck on my couch watching tons of movies on Netflix with popcorn and chocolate covered raisins in front of me. So some parts are exciting.

My patience battery is drained. I am just running on my back up curiosity battery. I think I should trademark those two. Maybe that will make me busy. Right now it may seem like I am just surviving from one day to the next. I am finding steps to understand these challenging emotions.

I am not able to pinpoint the source(s) of my rut. I know work is stressful for me right now and everyone working in healthcare. I am not alone on this one. So maybe that is one that needs some work and discussion. Although many things are running in my head such as wanting to do another travel nursing assignment. I am hoping that something pans out in the summer for me. I seriously need a break. I capitalize on my days off and mini-vacations. I am grateful for those. I am also learning at the same time that I should not minimize these feelings I am having. They are legitimate. Not all ruts are the same, take note of that everyone.

I wanted to get out of this rut, and I am going back to my old strategies to slowly solve these agonizing thoughts in my head. One that works for me is going back to nature. I was able to get out on a hike today after work so that was a blessing in itself. Heading outdoors gives me a new perspective. Plus it is time for me to get back on the trail again, I think a part two of Needle Peak is on my list this year. Being in nature has a positive impact on our mental wellness. This afternoon allowed me to relax and enjoyed nature. The mosquito season is back by the way.

I am also learning at the same time that I should not minimize these feelings I am having. They are legitimate. Not all ruts are the same, take note of that everyone.

Writing my purpose will hopefully put me back on track. I wanted to go back to school again. Pursue my Ph.D. in Nursing or Health Studies or Health Policy. I have looked into McGill, UBC, University of Toronto, Stanford, and Johns Hopkins University. I will have to revisit my goals, so I have something to look forward to and that will hopefully give me motivation. Maybe a day trip somewhere could lift my spirit. Rewarding myself is a big help, I am not able to do a big trip but certainly, two lipsticks boosted my mood this week.

I can feel the frustration even writing this post. I am going to take a step back and do some self-evaluation. Being in a rut is aggravating. I promise you a re-programming is coming soon.