"I fucked it up," says me but I am moving on

I have been avoiding the talk about a relationship or finding a relationship in the last three months but I know there are parts of me that have not fully acknowledged a previous break up. Really, it still bugs me.

Just for full disclosure, this year is my year as I was born in 1984, year of the rat. I will have no problem with my career, education, and lifestyle. You know what it says about my fortune about relationships, according to chinesenewyear.net, "Luck is not in your favor when it comes to love. If you are single, it is best to avoid longing for a partner this year. The likelihood of finding someone long-term is very low." It means another year of drought for me in that department but it means that I can shower myself more with love. It is only a guide, I know. It even said, "take this bad news and look for the bright side." Well, I will be looking on the bright side because I might be lucky...in my dreams.

I have meant to touch on this topic but every time I will start to write one, I am already in tears and I get sad. It feels like I am tearing myself into pieces. It is a little tad too dramatic but anyone who has dealt with a break-up I am sure can relate. I have discussed before that when I travel alone, I do feel the angst and jealousy of not having someone when I am on my adventures. Although I know that I have made that conscious decision to travel alone. I still find myself longing to be with someone. It can be lonely eating in a restaurant alone. I remember being in Brussels with a big honking serving of moules and frites and the server told me, "Can you finish that all by yourself?" I know he was trying to make a joke, but I felt a pinch in my heart when he said, "by yourself." I gave him a shy smile and moved on.

My past relationship was about two years ago, there were things there that were amazing but also there were things that were bad. One was the distance. Two was me and three was him. I would even share the number third spot with him. I played a huge part in it, too. I am not proud to say it but I cheated on him. There I said it. I repeat, I am not proud of it but part of acknowledging that this relationship is gone and over is to accept my infidelity. The acceptance of my wrongdoing. Take note, I am doing this blog post after a long day at work and a big laugh conversation on the phone with one of my good friends, Kristine. At least, it felt easy to write it now rather than just diving right away into it. Plus, I have given myself a lot of time to contemplate and reflect on it.

Last time we saw each other was about 2 years ago and I did not realize that it will be the last time. The song, "Huling Sayaw" by Kamikazee and Kyla gave me the chill when I first started listening to it and the picture posted on this post really captured that. The lyrics are as follows:

"Paalam sa 'ting huling sayaw

May dulo pala ang langit

Kaya't sabay tayong bibitaw

Sa ating huling sayaw"

We were not dancing but felt like that moment, that hug was the last time I would see him and feel him. I fucked it up, and I will never be able to fix it. I still think about him, and I have all these what if's in my head which is not helping me at all but I am really trying. I have given myself space to heal. Remembering that goodbye is not the end of the world, it is just the relationship and the memories that I am letting go. That life is full of challenges, and I have faced that head-on. All those hikes and travels were part of my healing process.

yup, that was the last time.

I still think about whether he thinks of me. I am super aware that I have caused him pain and all these things were caused by me. I close my eyes and say a prayer. We are not talking anymore and for me, that makes it worse but who am I to tell that it is a bad thing. Maybe, it is a good thing that we are not talking to each other anymore. I have been way too critical of myself, in the process. There was no justification for what I did and it was holding me back. The trust eroded, until, it was the time that there was no going back.

I have gone the victim route, and I tell you, do not put yourself in the rot. It is not fun because there is no amount of rumination of analyses that will fix the damage whether it is infidelity, differences or communication gaps. So, instead, focus on the energy to heal and try not to get into the messy "woe is me" attitude.

Parting is definitely painful, there is no doubt about that. It is not enough to say that we need to hang on and hold on to what we have; hence, they are the things that will make us strong but sometimes, it isn't. Sometimes, it is letting go. I am not being skeptical about my love life. I know that there is someone out there meant for me and I will patiently wait. However, I know that I need to work on things for myself. It left me helpless and shattered, but there is no point in clinging into it anymore. I have done a lot of work to express the pain I felt and also accepting my responsibility for what caused the relationship to suffer. I have gone the victim route, and I tell you, do not put yourself in the rot. It is not fun because there is no amount of rumination of analyses that will fix the damage whether it is infidelity, differences or communication gaps. So, instead, focus on the energy to heal and try not to get into the messy "woe is me" attitude.

I have been rough with myself, that is for sure. There are many times when I thought that it was always me and I have this narrative in my head too many times, "Hey you fucked up." It was crowding my brain with so much negativity and then I thought, "Ok, he has played some parts with it, too." I have lightened my load somehow. As much as I wanted to take the lion's share with the shit show, I do not want to get stuck in that pain circle that I try to inflict myself with. Forgive them and yourself. If not, there is no moving on. It will always be a cycle of loss and trying to regain control of your life yet not slowly disengaging from it. I am not going to be defined by my pain; moreover, I wanted it to help me grow.

Lastly, my homework: to continue letting go of the pain and welcome more joy in my life.