Internalized Transphobia
- TL
- Dec 2, 2019
- 5 min read
When I was young and even up to my early adult life my parents often ask me, "Are you a boy or a girl?"
I attended the drop-in session last Tuesday provided by the Chilliwack Gender Support Network. A free, drop-in support group where I am one of the peer facilitators. However, last Tuesday I was a participant. The topic was internalized transphobia and impostor syndrome. It was an interesting topic because I normally would not think of internalized transphobia as something that I had experienced but I was wrong. I have experienced it and still continues to. As the two peer facilitators said, "we are unaware of it." I will only tackle internalized transphobia today as it seems to be a monster that I continue to experience. It creates an internal turmoil inside me where thoughts of shame and hatred come out.
For someone with gender dysphoria like myself, I realized that the issue sprouted when I was young. My parents for one have a huge influence on my whole being. Include the school, the church, the community, and the people around me played a role in bolstering gender norms and creating these transphobic messages in which can be internalized at a very young age. I remembered a picture of myself with my sister wearing a dress and a bag with a hat. My parents allowed me to wear those items of clothing but of course, going out of the house people will tell me, "Do not walk with a swish" or "Do not speak too softly, you sounded so girly." I have heard other derogatory remarks and some I have carried until after I graduated university. They became ingrained in me. I was bullied and poked on because I do not conform to the cisnormativity of the world. The situation becomes more difficult growing up for someone who is gender variant.
"We tear ourselves apart, learn to accept and grow. Let go of the ones your holding on the tightest."
As an observation, this is where transphobia is rooting from, from a culture's rigid gender norms and society's attitude about gender. According to Lighthouse LGBTQ+ Affirming Care, "It is so highly regulated by rules." Look at the bathroom issue, there are only a female and male bathroom. Sports activities in school and subjects which separates the girls and the boys. I remember being segregated from the girls who are doing the knitting, sewing, cooking and hairdressing skills while I was stuck doing some manly stuff such as drilling, smoothing and shaping wood materials. In hindsight, I know I had the choice, but I had this idea of if I go with the girls I would be more tortured and harassed. I am already being teased with my voice, how much more if I joined them in the Home Economics class. So with that belief in mind, I took part in it. I thought that the rules I am abiding are what is best for me; therefore, I did not question them. In all honesty, people who are not transgender need to understand these things as well because there is so much work needed for people to understand gender biases.
I also realize that maybe part of the reason why it took me a while to transition was because of my internalized transphobia. It created feelings of shame and hate because whenever I see someone, I will say, "I do not want to be like them. I am already accepted as I am, why do I need to change." Until it consumes you and you are needing to find a way out. Knowing I had the people to connect with, it barred me from creating that connection to people to understand more of what I was feeling inside. The negative feelings were overpowering me. The demons were real. I felt like if I transitioned, my family will not accept me. I would be an embarrassment. I would feel inferior. I am confusing people. In reality, the confused one is me because of this internalized transphobia transmitted when I was younger.
Starting with my transition years ago, I remember feeling very lonely as I could not bring myself to come out of the apartment. People will be seeing me differently and will start asking questions. I will look at myself and say, "You are a fraud, you are not real." I felt discouraged. It was very hard and even now I will have those moments but not so much as before. It took a while. I am sure even ladies who successfully had all the surgeries they wanted still engage themselves with all these trashy self-talks. Rachel Anne Williams said, "The monster inside us can be tamed." Some may not have these voices or demons in them. I would say they are very lucky because telling yourself that you are just dressing up or you are not a real woman can sound like a defeat. It is a scary thought especially when violence and discrimination are increasing, the only person you can trust is yourself. Having that willpower and belief that you can survive this is crucial.
How to tame the monster?
How do you tame the monster? First, is by acknowledgment. You know this when you start all these self-generated negative talks within yourself. Ami Kaplan discusses that, "it is difficult to recognize this because we try to avoid things that can cause us embarrassment". She also said, " One can feel ashamed of being ashamed." A therapist, a friend or a support group can help you navigate all these feelings. I think I was meant to attend that meeting last Tuesday as a participant and not as a peer facilitator. It was a mix of people in that room that helped me understand internalized transphobia across the ages and how you combat them. It is definitely not easy, some say. I love what one of the peer facilitators said, "We tear ourselves apart, learn to accept and grow. Let go of the ones your holding on the tightest." The struggles are present but we need to nurture ourselves.
Continue to surround yourself with people who are supportive of you. I would also say to find connections with other trans folks. That is the only way you would understand the beauty of the trans experience. Also, in this way, the cisnormativity notion is going to be out of the equation. We have to accept the fact and this goes to everyone that being trans is a "normal part of the human variation," as clearly stated by Rachel Anne Williams on her blog "How to Fight Internalized Transphobia." This is a serious mental health issue, someone needs someone positive about your being trans. We do not need another person telling us how we should look, act and behave. We already have ourselves who are part of the battle, and it is no fun. We have to enhance our self-esteem and self-acceptance.
As for my parents' question, Mama and Papa, I am a girl. I miss you both. Thank you for your love, support, and kindness.
Resources:
Kaplan, A. (2011, March 5). Internalized Trans-phobia. Retrieved from:
Lighthouse LGBTQ+ Affirming Care. (2019). A Therapist's Guide to Navigating-and Overcoming- Internalized Transphobia. Retrieved from:
Williams, R. (2019, July 28). How to Fight Internalized Transphobia.
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