Letter to my old self...

Three months and I would be 35. Looking back at my old self is a good way to do some self-inventory and self-reflection.

My dear old self,

First, let me pause and think of the last 35 years. Ok, the pause is over. That did not take long. However, let me tell you that I am certainly smiling looking back at the journey I had.

Growing up with your grandparents was absolutely the best training you will ever get in your life. You know that it was hard not having your parents beside you, but circumstances made them physically absent. That was not their choice. You know before that you had these questions whether it was a choice or it was a need for them to leave the country. It sure did you and your siblings good; you know your family needed those dirhams for you to get the education your parents wanted for you and your siblings. Be thankful that you were surrounded by loving and caring people who taught you how to be responsible and accountable.

Embrace life. Love yourself.

Your childhood was fun and exciting. You know that you were different. People noticed your walk, how shrieky your voice was and how effeminate you were. Nevertheless, you pushed your self and told everyone that you were someone that could not be boxed because of being different. You excelled in school, continued to sing for everyone and I am sure that you brought joy to people. There were days that you were taunted by some because you were tagged as a sissy. You would cry and ignore them. Thanks to your fantastic coping ability although hard you continue to stand up for yourself.

Venturing after high school and doing university was very tough despite that you were blessed with lovely friends that up to know you still call friends and family. You persevered to reach your goals and you made it. It did not stop there, you remained strong and there were pauses along the way that tested your faith. You lost your parents and it knocked you down. You are still grieving about it. The pain has not left you yet. Let me tell you, girl, be at peace. Your parents love you and they are proud of you. It is heartbreaking not being able to share successes with them, celebrate the good times, most especially not being able to let them experience the things you wanted for them for all the sacrifices they did. Thank you that you endured those rough times even though you long for their hugs and presence.

As you keep moving forward, coming to Canada was another feat for you. Coming to a country at 23 without any family, I applaud you. Kudos for being your brave self for withstanding that immigration process. I believe that when things are for you, the universe will give it to you. Indeed, walking in a red carpet. You got some strong backbone plus you got the support when you needed them. You will fail in some areas, can we talk about your driver's license. Remember that they are only setbacks.

The mistakes you made, some of them horrible but how you handled things, is what defines you.

Finding yourself was difficult and an optimistic endeavour, every day is a struggle. You were lost quite a few times. You showed that you are resilient with every struggle. Just remember that you do not need to have it all together, it is a journey and it is ok if you have not everything that you wanted for. Do not dwell on the past, they will always be a part of you. The mistakes you made, some of them horrible but how you handled things, is what defines you. There were mean and negative people who aggravated you but they are not there for a long time. They are there temporarily just to annoy you and identify who your true allies are. You do not live for their ideas and thoughts, you live for you. You will learn how to filter those who do not belong in your circle. Your love life has not been your strongest point. You will find him, do not rush.

Keep singing, it gives joy to people. Continue smiling, it warms others feelings. Enjoy hiking, it gets you active and healthy. Keep praying and meditating, it gets you closer to God. Also, self-reflection and self-inventory are good for you. Keep strutting, it does not matter whether is a hallway or a pavement. Stand tall, show that confidence. Find that happiness and thank yourself every day because you are one kind, sassy, wonderful, and talented diva. Be bold. Be daring. Be kind. Be helpful. Be adventurous and inquisitive. Be thoughtful. Be truly present. You will discover more about yourself, I know you are ready for the chaos and more battle. You have made it and you are strong. Embrace life. Love yourself.

Sincerely,

My upcoming 35-year-old self