Missing Mama

Losing a parent is hard, and I still find myself crying at night. Most especially on her birthday and her death anniversary. I was supposed to write a blog last week, February 10 and that day was her birthday, thank God for friends who diverted my attention to butter chicken, roast beef, cookies, and two cute kids. I know that the day was coming, so I know around the last week of January, I was feeling a little down. I know you are probably going to say that it is a pattern but someone who lost a loved one can empathize. Their birthdays are very important and for someone like me who is getting older. I am missing a phone call or even a misunderstanding with a parent. I will never have those anymore. It is going to be 12 years this since Mama passed away and I still miss her. She was diagnosed with lung cancer after her last stint in the Middle East. She was not a smoker. I would say that it was work-related. She worked in the laundry department, and I am sure the lint and whatever was going on in the Middle East that time, am sure she inhaled. It was difficult to see her come home and looking emaciated. I was like, where was the glow on her face, and do not get me started with her fabulous bootie. She has it, I tell you. I only got a 1/4 of it. She was sick and there was no recovery in sight.

She was diagnosed summer of 2007 and I remember when we went to the doctor in a well-known hospital in Manila, our conversation went like this, "So, that's Stage 4, Lung Cancer what's next with that?", she asked. I could not control my tears at that time when she asked me those questions while we sat in a cafeteria outside the hospital to have a bite to eat. I burst into tears, I almost wanted to say, "Death, Mama" but I managed to pull off a non-sassy kinder remark, "Mama, that is the last stage, there is no cure Mama". She had her first cycle of chemotherapy in 2007, and she decided to stop going for the second cycle because of how expensive it was. We had our arguments and misunderstanding while she was on treatment. I regret not being with her to take care of her when she decided to go home to the province to stay with granny and did not realize that I will not see her again. I was afraid, I thought that me helping out with the money situation things will get better. I really wish I was there but I cannot go back anymore. I was glad that my brother was there. It was a long process, and I remember lining up for appointments in the morning just for her to be seen and have paracentesis done. Her abdomen got bigger due to the accumulation of fluid and that became difficult for her to mobilize. I will not forget that smile when she said that she was feeling lighter and told me, "Thank you." Every night I would read bible verses to her and she loved it. I will kiss her good night, knowing that she is not alone. Although we know that there was no cure, I just wanted her to know that she was loved and that we appreciate everything she did for us. I still wish that she is still with us, so I could reciprocate all the amazing things she did for us. All of these are all wishes that will not come true. It truly makes me sad.

I never knew I can hurt like this And everyday life goes on like I wish I can talk to you for a while Wish you but try not to cry As time goes bye- Bye, Bye by Mariah Carey

February is shitty to me, I always think that my Mama would live longer. I always think that she will be picking me up at the airport with my siblings and giving me that hug and kiss on the cheeks. I see her cooking meals and preparing a feast for my siblings when I get home. How I would enjoy seeing her face, opening the gifts I bring for her. She would be excited trialing every perfume I have for her. I envision her sitting in the patio of the house that my siblings and I will build for my parents. I will be listening to her stories of how proud she tells my achievements to the neighbours and to my relatives. I am learning to cope with this loss. It has been 12 years and yet I still cry when I remember her and Papa. I miss you Mama every day. I love you!