"Passing": Look at me, I am trans

"Passing" can be very problematic in my world but I have learned that I just need to be me and not care of what others are thinking.

Keep looking in the mirror, yes keep carefully looking. How are your pores? How is your jawline, your hairline? There are so many things to examine, I know. I did the same because I was once obsessive like you. Uber worried about passing.

"Passing" meant that you are correctly gendered by others without really telling them about your gender identity (Thompson-Blum, et al. 2021). For some people, if you are blending in and not presenting any cues of anything, not "normal" then you are passing in the eyes of others. It is important to note that there are advantages when you are passing. There are benefits such as you are going to experience less prejudice and mistreatment. On the other hand, not everyone is getting that passing privilege; however, possessing it is like impenetrable armour. The effective shield you need when you are in awkward situations or maybe if you are accessing healthcare services. It gives you that superpower. Once you go in and see a medical professional, you can play stealth and get through that first hurdle. Then you can deal with the rest. What I meant by the rest is pretty much everything. Although, you have to tough it out there and avoid confrontation, especially when the question is about your Last Menstrual Period.

Please don't say, "You don't look like trans"

According to Wikipedia, passing typically involves a mixture of physical gender cues, for example, hairstyle or clothing, and certain behavioural attributes that tend to be culturally associated with a particular gender. Five or six years ago it took me over an hour to do my make-up. I had to ensure that it was not too cakey and contoured my face. Carefully choosing my outfit was difficult, too. My wardrobe options were not as huge as what I currently own where I have lots to choose from. You know why it took me so long because I was scared that people would clock me. I get it. It is obvious. I have this wide shoulder, and my hairline is so high. My cheekbones and my jawline are so masculine-looking. It was difficult when I first came out because I could not afford a wig and had short hair. I was worried that every little detail of my face was scrutinized. I still do not have a wig, but my hair right now is pretty fab for the everyday slaying.

Going out was very anxiety-inducing. You know the feeling that people are always going to be looking at you. Listening to every word you say and think that they are analyzing your voice and suddenly blurt out, "you are a man."The worse is sneezing. I wish I could train my sneeze to have that high pitch sound when I release one. Later on, I realized I was oppressing myself with all these thoughts. Honestly, some people do not care. While some people who have an issue with it can also get a piece of my mind when they need it. This hidden privilege that we think we get does not give us freedom. It gave us a pass to live our daily lives. Even then, we still find ourselves imprisoned with our thoughts. Living should be about freedom, like fully exposing yourself to the world, despite all the hardships we encounter, with or without potential loopholes.

The microaggressions that come with this sentence, "Oh you don't look like trans." No, it is not a compliment, people.

I have learned that this passing bullshit is just another standard that society is imposing on transwomen. I am not even sure who started it. I know this can cause transwomen to avoid getting care in any health care setting because they feel like if they don't pass they will get ridiculed. Possibly receive hostile reactions and the worse denial of treatment. I still see it out there, some healthcare professionals are still not very well versed about transgender care. Yes, perceived experiences of transphobia are becoming a deterrent in accessing health care services. I am only talking about healthcare here. Imagine social gatherings, group settings where you have to mingle. You get into a bar wherein you are just starting dressing up, and your identification card is still not updated. I have received multiple glances, back and forth looks and yes, raised eyebrows. Some I have learned to ignore, some I dished back.

I get it, I don't have a very feminine jawline and cheekbone.

Recently, my validity to other people didn't matter to me anymore. I present myself, and people can take it no matter what. No, I am not saying it because my transition is complete. After all, it isn't (And also what the fuck does complete transition means, what does it constitute?) Nor I am brave saying it because my identification cards are updated now from male to female, plus my new name. I do not care in general. The microagression that comes with this sentence, "Oh you don't look like trans." No, it is not a compliment, people. I do not accept it nor agree with it. My womanhood does not need to be validated by others. People can undoubtedly continue judging, but the profound implication of that sentence for me means that my transness is not celebrated and that I can't show imperfections. It also means I can only be accepted when I follow the norms that society is dictating. Hell to the no! So what about my jawline and my shoulders. You can keep looking. It really would not matter to me.

There's more to passing. I think that I can only control what I can control. Society will continue imposing things on everyone, but I do not need to conform. I can only be myself, and the others can fuck off.

Resources:

Esposito, V. (28, August, 2020) "But you don't look trans? A tale of microagression. Retrieved from: https://lithub.com/but-you-dont-look-trans-a-tale-of-microagression/

Daniel N. Thompson-Blum, Todd A. Coleman, Natalie E. Phillips, Sean Richardson, Robb Travers, Simon Coulombe, Ciann Wilson, Michael Woodford, Ruth Cameron, and Charlie Davis.Transgender Health.Dec 2021.358-368.http://doi.org/10.1089/trgh.2020.0112