To touch or not to touch

The thoughts that go in my head while I am starting to kiss someone while his hands are trying to navigate my body could be nerve-wracking.

I can be very private at times but when you think about it, I have talked about penis sizes already on my blog so am not very private anymore. I have gone on dates that have gone well, semi- ok and mostly some of them have gone awry. When I say that it has gone bad, I mean it has never panned out to anything other than coffee meeting or a bunch of flaking. When others asked me if I am seeing anyone, I would answer I have been kissing a lot of frogs lately. One friend corrected me and told me, "No you are not kissing frogs, you should call them bullfrogs because they are full of bullshit." I laughed and contemplated. Have I?

I think she's right. Never thought that with the play with words would let me think of the dating situation I am in.

My default lately has always been, "Oh another asshole messaged me." At times answering to boys messages can be fun and entertaining. Some may call it a waste of time. I must admit I have called myself on it, finding my Asian ass sitting at the corner of my apartment with my phone in hand, if not giggling I would be royally annoyed. Of course, the usual questions of what breast size I have, what are my quirks in bed and what surgeries have I done with my body. Then, it would proceed to the inquiries about what position do I enjoy in bed. Do I prefer to top or to bottom or to be versatile? These odd questions seem to be part of the normal conversation opening between a transgender woman and a cisgender/bicurious, attached, married, in a relationship, in search for a fuck buddy kind of man.

Yup, lucky!

This girl can get lucky however, part of being lucky is my trepidation. You might be wondering, anxiety, with what? I have said it before, transgender women have different goals, some will choose to remain on their hormones for the longest time before proceeding to the surgeries. The surgeries available are breast augmentation, orchiectomy, vulvoplasty, vaginoplasty, facial feminization surgery, and others. Not all transgender women will want to have surgeries as part of their transition. There are barriers that come with it such as surgical risks, readiness, and financial issues. These things are discussed as an ongoing follow up with their physicians and mental health professional experienced in the care for clients with a gender identity disorder. There are criteria and requirements needed prior to the surgery such as letters of recommendation before the surgical intervention.

So what are my anxiety, as a pre-op transgender woman? I find it uneasy when the discussion is about being pre-op. There is absolutely no escaping at times and you just have to brave it answering the questions. The concern dwells more on the comfort level, two people are involved here. Myself and the person I am with. Here comes the question to touch or not touch. The experiences vary. I have met guys who are comfortable with it and there are some who absolutely do not want to touch it due to the stigma and yet they are exploring other parts of your body. The latter is a clear picture of a fantasy and a checklist job. You know, "I get to have sex with a trans woman." CHECK! I have experienced them but as you get older and hopefully wiser, I have learned to weed those guys out.

"I have stopped guys before their hands slipped into my underwear and I have been respected."

The uneasiness deflates the excitement especially when the other person states the he is comfortable. He will tell you, "I know what is in there, it is ok." That statement is badly needed and it somehow rescues me before falling into that cliff. When his hands explore more and more your inhibition dissipates but maintaining a level of consciousness needed to enjoy the moment. Until you finally give in and let your mind wander into a different phase of euphoria. The feeling of awkwardness goes and all you gotta do is let out a smile, pushed him close to you and whisper "Thanks".

Learning process they call it. I understand the fact that prejudice and rejection will always be part of our lives. Instances such as getting into bed with someone is something that should be discussed to create an atmosphere of acceptance and comfortability. Not everyone will be comfortable. That is where the lack of education of trans bodies come into play but also addressing the issue of how we view ourselves as an individual. Transgender health and sexuality is a broad umbrella of a topic that entails attention. It requires an informed and respectful treatment of trans women, something that would increase our chances of becoming an empowered individual with the ability to be a voice to other trans women.