Two empty seats

Lately, I have been feeling hormotional or maybe depressed and I feel like I am on the verge of losing all the things I have learned in the past about being strong and loving myself. I need to find her. It is funny that I get to do my alone time a lot lately. When I say alone, my usual hike, eating out and travel. I am not sure if that is even healthy if you ask me. It could be a part of a looming depression that I am not addressing and just overtaking my system. February was a hard month for me, knowing that I would be celebrating Mama's birthday for the last eleven years without hearing her voice or the possibility of going home to the Philippines for a surprise visit. Plus, the fact that around this time two years ago, I was dealing with some heartbreak. Every time I drive on my weekend adventure. I will look at the passenger seat and will smile which will spark optimism. Then, here comes the daydreaming. I would be thinking of what he would look like, well, definitely a white guy is going to be in that seat. Next, what his built is going to be, what actions, motions, and movements he will do. Will he hold my hand? Will he give me a shoulder massage while we are the stop sign? Will he be chatty or will he be singing to me? Boy, with all these thoughts and visions I have created in my head, I might as well have Chris Hemsworth beside me. I try to keep all those thoughts in my head for the next 15 minutes; I really try. When I reach the one-hour mark of my drive, I could not hold on to the positivity anymore especially when I think that there is another two to four hours more to my drive before I reach my destination. The music starts to sound boring, the Pringles taste saltier, and the raisins smell rancid. All my senses are now involved, then my mind follows. I get sad. I have fallen into the trap of negativity. I feel that little pierce in my heart knowing I am alone on the drive. I am very cognizant of the fact that I made a conscious decision to do this alone and yet, I have this nagging feeling of loneliness compounded by the bitch inside my head. It is hard to shake it off or switch it off, so to speak. This Friday, I was on my way to Fairbanks, Alaska, as my mini-break for the weekend. The battle royale in my head was starting again. The middle seat was empty. The lady on the aisle seat was not bothered while I am so preoccupied with supposedly being with someone. She was too busy doing her selfie. My mind starts to wander and thought that I should have someone. I promise to give up the window seat, so I could comfortably lay my head on his shoulders and hold his hand even though being in the middle, is not an ideal seating situation for me. I said, "Have fun, aurora borealis would be awesome." Then I snapped out of that depressing idea. The seat remained empty. I focused on reading "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed, after all, I am so enthralled with the book, I managed to read 30 pages while waiting at the border and 25 more pages while waiting to board.

I have learned how to take a photo of myself as a solo traveler.

Out of desperation at times just to lessen the isolation, I feel. I would think of a dog. I would call my dog Beso, Kahlo or Barney and the dog would start licking my face and scratch me for a treat. I might be due for a dog. At that moment, I also contemplate that dogs are not for the front seat. They should be at the back seat as entertainers, sticking their tongue out of the open window and drooling. As lovely as the dog sounds, it is very different from the vision I have in mind. Although the dog will not talk back at you when there is an argument. Seriously, at this very moment, I am even looking for someone to have a dispute with just to see a face at that passenger seat. Until then, the coveted seat has no occupant. I keep putting band-aid to my yearning and longing. It made me realize that with all these conceptualizations I made about who is going to be sitting beside me or across me, I have forgotten about my own seat. Some classic examples, I was sitting in a restaurant and basically, no one is going to be sitting on the chair across I would find the food not appealing anymore. I watched Frozen the broadway show in Seattle, no one was sitting beside me, everyone was all partnered up with a friend, a boyfriend or a child in their Olaf and Elsa outfit. On my way back from Fairbanks, I was supposed to have a seat mate and I thought, "Nice, I could talk to someone." Before the flight attendants start their safety demonstration, she said, "Hello, I would be moving so I could sit beside my friends, now you could have more space."

"Why is that someone so important? Maybe I am just as important as that someone."

I did not want the space. What made her think I needed the space, not only I am already consumed with one seat, now I have to think of the extra seat that is empty which now becomes two. Now, it gets worse. I suddenly feel I am disintegrating from myself. I am not in my seat because I am feeling despair. I am becoming to be not present. I do not feel that I am sitting anymore. The sensation of being uncomfortable in a narrow space is now turning into exasperation and animosity. Part of that as well is I am also losing my self. A part of me is thinking that this will be your situation until you are 80. It could be all these negative self-talks that is overpowering me. It becomes dark and I could not concentrate. The outrage is growing inside me and questions, why are you feeling this way? Is it because you are single? Well, duh! Let me go back to what I said, I made a conscious decision to travel alone, I get that, so I am not being melodramatic here. The annoyance is real, and I know for a fact that I enjoy my travels alone. I admit there are times that I get sad when I am on my adventure alone wherein I should be sharing it with someone. All these "shoulds" and "someone" such as eating with someone, driving with someone, watching the northern lights with someone, on the plane with someone. When my mind shifts to negativity my inner saboteur makes its entry that leads to misery. Now, there is not only one seat, but there are also two empty seats.

Chena Hot Springs- Fairbanks, Alaska yes I don't have a photographer. Frozen hair and lashes, fab!

Why is that someone so important? Maybe I am just as important as that someone. They say I have to continue imagining the things I want for myself and have that embedded in my head. The law of attraction, right, and the universe will hear you and as powerful as it sounds, I might be missing the mark in making myself as important and known to the universe. I am pretty sure that there is a lot of work to do so I could stop the nagging bitch in my head. Let me find me. Let me construct myself again, so I could imagine me sitting on my chair even though there is not going to be anyone across or beside me. I am work in progress, too. I tell you.